Approved

A lesson is beureacratic or dogmatic stupidity

by markjc · 18 Jul 2026

An Official Procedure for the Safe and Effective Capture of Crocodiles

Catching crocodiles is, contrary to popular belief, not difficult at all. The process is straightforward, logical, and can be mastered by almost anyone, provided that every step is followed exactly, completely, and without asking too many awkward questions.

Over many years, experts have developed, refined, documented, reviewed, approved, audited, and carefully standardized the following procedure. It has been subjected to committee scrutiny, procedural verification, and countless meetings, ensuring that it meets the highest standards of bureaucratic excellence.

Please note that successful crocodile capture depends not on common sense, experience, or independent thought, but on strict compliance with the approved methodology described below.

Section 1: Required Equipment

Before any crocodile capture activity can commence, it is essential that the operator acquire the following equipment:

Swimming trunks
Large beach towel
Suntan lotion
Beach umbrella
Sunglasses
A good book
Cooler box containing cold, non-alcoholic refreshments
Binoculars
Tweezers
A box of matches (contents to be removed later)
An alarm clock

It should be noted that each item serves a specific purpose within the overall procedure. Omitting equipment, substituting equipment, or questioning why such equipment is required may compromise the integrity of the process.

Section 2: Site Preparation

Proceed to the riverbank where the crocodile resides. Change into the approved swimming attire and apply sunscreen to all exposed areas. This step is important because sunburn, although uncomfortable, would be an unnecessary distraction during crocodile operations.

Place the towel on the sand and erect the beach umbrella adjacent to it. Position the cooler box beneath the umbrella. Arrange the binoculars, alarm clock, sunglasses, tweezers, empty matchbox, reading material and sunscreen within easy reach.

Before reclining on the towel, don the sunglasses. This is an essential safety measure because sunlight reflecting from the river surface may cause excessive glare.

Open a cold drink, set the alarm clock for two hours, and begin reading your book.

At this point the operator should relax completely. A mild state of drowsiness is not only acceptable but forms a key part of the approved methodology.

Section 3: Crocodile Engagement Phase

Having observed the operator resting peacefully, the crocodile will eventually conclude that conditions are favourable and emerge from the river with the intention of eating the operator.

There is no need for concern. This is an anticipated and entirely normal part of the procedure.

However, as anticipated, as the crocodile moves slowly and carefully out of the water and approaches the drowsing man the crocodile will also start to feel the effects of the warm sun, and, as is the crocodile way, it too will become increasingly relaxed, sleepy and lethargic.

Eventually both operator and crocodile will be asleep. This represents the optimal operational state.

Section 4: Crocodile Containment Procedure

After approximately two hours, the alarm clock will sound and awaken the operator. The crocodile, being unfamiliar with alarm clocks and their purpose, will continue sleeping.

Now its time to act decisivly and quickly. Reach down and take the empty matchbox, tweezers, and binoculars and quietly approach the sleeping crocodile.

Turn the binoculars around and look through the wrong end. The crocodile will immediately appear extremely small due to the optical properties of the lenses.

Keeping the binoculars correctly aligned, use the tweezers to pick up the now miniature crocodile and place it carefully into the empty matchbox and then quickly shut the sliding drawer of the matchbox, trapping the crocodile.

Remember to make sure the matchbox is closed securely. Failure to do so may result in future inconvenience should the crocodile escape while the matchbox is being carried around in say a persons trousers pocket.

What Is This Really About?

This story is not really about crocodiles.

It is about bureaucracy, dogma, and the strange human tendency to confuse detailed procedures with intelligence.

Somewhere, at some point, somebody invents a ridiculous process. Nobody questions it. Instead it is documented, approved, reviewed, audited, version controlled, distributed, trained, certified and eventually accepted as "the correct way."

New people assume that because the process is so detailed, it must make sense. After all, surely nobody would create twenty pages of instructions for something completely absurd?

Yet history is full of organisations that spend years following elaborate procedures that produce little except paperwork, meetings, forms and frustration.

Intelligent people ask:

"Does this make sense?"

Bureaucracies ask:

"Was the procedure followed?"

The lesson is simple: Never confuse compliance with thinking. Never mistake complexity for wisdom. And whenever possible — keep things simple.

From this story it is clear to anyone that experienced crocodile catchers using this procedure can easily be recognised by their exceptionally short arms.

Tags: beureacracy dogma

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